Monday, 8th October 2007 at 11:51 am

Kimi Raikkonen set to win Formula 1 title

And to think they almost got away with it. It’s brilliant, certainly - Feverpitcher has to admit to being a little impressed - but it was just too perfect to succeed. And so, in the spirit of investigative journalism that that Feverpitcher embodies so splendidly, we have for you a world exclusive: this year’s Formula 1 season has been rigged, and Kimi Raikkonen is set for the title.

It’s taken a while to uncover everything, but it goes a little something like this. When Michael Schumacher finally confirmed that he was going to retire and make good on his long-cherished dream of joining the Berlin stand-up comedy circuit, Bernie Ecclestone, Max Mosely and Ferrari management all realised that the sport could potentially implode as the star name walked away. What was needed, they realised after much discussion, was an elaborate plot to ensure the theatre of Formula 1 stayed in place. And theatre was a rather good word…

Part one of the plan was ensuring Schumacher didn’t win his final driver’s championship title, thus taking some of the sting out of the German’s departure. By way of compensation, Ferrari would be guaranteed the title the following season - but we’re getting ahead of ourselves. What was needed was a new face to catch the limelight, and this was where Ecclestone’s planning was immaculate. Fearing that Schumacher would one day depart, he’d years earlier approached the same American biotech lab that genetically engineered Tiger Woods to save golf, and ordered a Formula 1 equivalent.

Cue the arrival of Lewis Hamilton, young, fresh-faced, and ready to take Formula 1 by storm - which is exactly what he did. He was also primed to spark a headline-grabbing battle with team-mate Fernando Alonso - who had conveniently been allowed to win the title the previous season. Perfect… McLaren thus filled a Schumacher-sized hole brilliantly, and ensured that Formula 1 retained its popularity.

But remember the earlier Ferrari agreement? McLaren looked to be winning the constructor’s title, so a spy scandal was quickly manufactured to guarantee the promise to Ferrari made a season earlier; and when Hamilton pulled out in China because his tyres hadn’t been looked after (would this genuinely happen in Formula 1? No, of course not), the points fell conveniently into place…

…and so, in Brazil, a ding-dong McLaren battle between Hamilton (107 points) and Alonso (103) will result in them spectacularly running each other of the track and out of contention, leaving Raikkonen (100) to stroll to victory, and claim the ten points needed to win the driver’s title. All in all, a quite magnificent plan, constructed with rare genius. And if it weren’t for the peerless detective skills of Feverpitcher, it might never have been discovered. Conspiracy theory, you suggest? Just wait and see what happens in Brazil.